Today I’m publishing some words, thus concretizing a decision: I’m gonna stop doing the ENM version of an event I created called, ‘the feels’.
‘The feels’ for the ENM community had a muse. He’s 6’2, has the same platinum blonde hair color as me, and he made me feel like I might melt. He also was also an earthquake on my nervous system, and anarchically polyamorous.
Time w him helped me see that I was ready to question how I navigate jealousy and attachment and possession and longing. Or - put another way - that I’m pretty anxious round all of ‘em.
‘The feels’ for the ENM community was my way of trying to find answers to the question of how to dismantle what felt like so much tightness and fear.
It was my way of asking how I might grow and evolve, my way of exploding open what I thought I wanted, my way of mapping to a (potential) new truth.
Over a weekend in March of this year, 5 days before the first ENM event was set to happen, I went upstate and drank ayahuasca. It was a categorically very, very hard weekend.
One of the messages I received (on the easier nights) was, ‘cancel the ENM event.’
I didn’t cancel it.
I went back to NYC - bleary and blurry - and I hosted it.
Then I hosted 5 more.
In these past 6 months, I’ve been portal’d into a community. In order to promote + market the ENM event, I’ve found myself integrating into spaces and places where the poly / open community connect.
I’ve now personally hosted hundreds of people who identify as poly. That’s created connections between me and some of those attendees that have / had various layers of depth.
I publicly promote the events – I stand for them – thus signaling to thousands of people what I value and believe in.
In other words: it’s been a legit commitment.
In recent weeks, the voice returned: please, no more. There’s been some factors:
I took a break from dating and relating, with an intention to see what I was ready to see. While I already knew this, it got confirmed that I do not identify as poly, and I’m not sure how ENM I am - hard to know fo sure when I’m perpetually solo. What does feel accessible: in the here n now - I wanna embrace the most normcore version of me: the girl who wants a partner, and to build a life w that partner;
My life was feeling not overtaken - but filled - with poly-related events — and that was starting to feel leaden. Invites to join ‘ENM community leader’ upstate retreats and Monday night meet ups started to feel like a lie;
I found myself judging the poly ppl in my life;
Poly dudes bore the brunt of my judgment, esp the ones who were approaching with offers of romantic engagement. I found myself srsly resentful of the offer - explicit and implicit - to join their ‘cule. ‘Cant you see its not what I want?!’, I’d inner scream;
The singles ones were getting a certain kinda biz momentum, and in other ppl saying, ‘I think there’s potential here’ - I realized I was ready to leave the ENM ones behind if it meant focusing on the monog ones.
I told Ernest the Therapist bout all of ☝️ and he responded, ‘can you do the event from service rather than acquisition?’‘
Yes, E - I can.
And perhaps I will again, in the future. Cuz the thing is: I do think ethical non-monogamy - with its invitations to communicate deeper, to say what’s true, to delve into feelings and desires and needs - I believe in all that oh so much. I (am pretty sure) I want (some degree of it) for myself.
So it’s alllll the things.
…AND what I’ve discovered is this: my life works, when I act in accordance with what is TRUE. In the here ‘n now.
And anytime there’s any degree of lie involved - pain and hurt follow.
My only goal, is to not self-betray.
So for now - for this moment - no more.
With zero promises for what comes next.
that feels scary -
Which is perfect.
KK - that’s it for now. If you’re in NYC and you wanna be part of this last one (for now) - get a ticket HERE.
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If these themes round listening to what’s true + evolving + navigating relationship structures + needs resonate for you + you feel called - drop a note below on what comes upppppp.
wow, this resonates so much. im also going through an intense process of investigating what identifying as enm really means for me. for one, having recently come out of my first serious (not poly but enm) relationship, I have a whole new awareness and respect for what monog relationships offer. also, im mostly perpetually solo, so can't help trying to understand what enm really means to me. love these questions, thank you for raising them to the surface!
To see and hear the turbulence ahead and to pull yourself out and away from the stream current until you can hear your voice is courageous I think. I just hope you take the time to confirm your truth and can live it.